Have you ever wondered how Jack Crow became a vampire hunter in JOHN CARPENTER’S VAMPIRES? I’d imagine that Max’s story in VAMPIRZ ON A BOAT could be a pretty interesting origin story. 

Max, played by Dallas Valdez, and Del, Curt Lambert, play two fiftyish adults who are hired to handle security on a ship. Initially Max was unsure about taking the gig until he met Sara, Carrie Keagan, who might be Del’s daughter, I don’t remember too clearly and some of the more intricate pieces of the plot are rather insignificant when I tell you this is the love child of HAPPY DEATH DAY, SNAKES ON A PLANE, and TWIN PEAKS.

I would hope that the title alone is enough to tell you whether or not you should consider watching this movie. If you have gotten this far I can guarantee you that there are a lot of worse things you can do with 70 minutes. Director Mark Allen Michaels and company are not messing around with expository plot points when they can be giving you gruesome death scenes and bizarre side characters. 

With the two main male characters being middle aged dads then this picture has a rather limited audience. It is punched up with some dad joke level puns that are a little cringy, but are perfect for the theme. Then suddenly, at a certain point in the movie, Max and Del start rewinding back to an earlier moment to try and take alternate routes, aka HAPPY DEATH DAY. 

Just in case that isn’t too much for you there are also a bunch of weird characters who probably shouldn’t be on the boat, let alone employable, that are charming and odd distractions. So, imagine David Lynch created the Gilligan’s Island characters, got bored and added vampires for a fun gimmick, and then let an eight year old pitch the film to prospective investors. 

It is fun and very weird, and is available to stream now on your favorite platform.

release date 9/27/2022

DIGITAL 

• iTunes
• Amazon
• Google Play
• Xbox
• VUDU

CABLE

• iNDemand 
• AT&T
• Vubiquity
• DirecTV